Here is an interesting exchange between a pissed-off ex and a haughty advice columnist. The issue is as the headline states: once a spouse starts spouting off about you, is it fair to let loose your own version?
Prudence says ‘yes,’ I say ‘no,’ for this reason: nothing is worth a loss of self-respect, so if tattling to defend yourself cheapens you to yourself, and it should, don’t do it. Period. You only have you: keep every reason you have to respect yourself.
Here’s the exchange…
My ex is airing my dirty laundry to our friends and colleagues. What can I do?
From Slate Advice on manners and morals.Dear Prudence,
I’ve just gotten out of a long relationship that ended rather abruptly and badly. My partner and I were together for almost 10 years, most of them wonderful and loving, but the last year was a complete nightmare. We both work in the same profession—academia—which is a small, small world. This means, first, that there is no real possibility of a clean or permanent break, as we will inevitably run into each other at professional conferences several times a year; and second, that we share many of the same friends and colleagues—most of our common friends are colleagues. The problem is that my ex has been airing our dirty laundry—or, more accurately, my dirty laundry—to many of them. I have refrained from doing this myself, in part because one of the reasons for the breakup was my ex’s affair with a colleague, and airing my ex’s dirty laundry would also involve damaging the reputation of the third party. I have asked my ex to show me the same consideration, or at least to take responsibility for the affair in telling the story, to no avail. I don’t want to engage in retributive gossip-mongering, but I also do not want to let an erroneous account of events circulate unchallenged. Also, I’m worried that this nastiness may eventually have some negative effect on my professional life and relationships. Please don’t tell me that I shouldn’t worry about what other people think or that “mature people will realize that this is just gossip and will not change their opinions of you on the basis of it.” We all know that academics are not known for their maturity or social acumen. What can I do?
—It’s (Not) All Academic
Dear Academic,
It’s admirable that you don’t wish to engage in retribution against your blabbermouth ex, but I don’t understand your inability to tell your friends your version of what happened, or your desire to maintain the virginal reputation of the third party. While your former partner may have had an affair, clearly Ex has something salacious to say about you, and Ex is telling everyone. If you simply refuse to talk about it, your former’s version becomes the official record. Surely your friends have expressed their concern about your well-being during this difficult time in order to a) express their concern, and b) find out more juicy details. You don’t have to engage in character assassination when you say the breakup was painful for all parties, but ultimately you couldn’t salvage your relationship once your ex started cheating on you. (If you want to then set off for a hike on the high road, you can decline to disclose colleague X’s identity.) Mention this—reluctantly, painfully—to the most reliably gossipy of your friends, and everyone will quickly know there’s another side of this story.
—Prudie
